So the new cast of Dancing with the Stars has been announced and, well, lets just say I know where I'll be on September 24th at 8:00pm. It'll be watching the implosion that comes when Scary Spice meets Mark Cuban, who can be equally scary.

Let's just cut to the chase. Here are the 12 new contestants dying to be the next Apollo Anton Ohno.

Scary Spice! Yes, yes she is. The Eddie Murphy baby-daddy scandal and the mockery that is the Spice Girl reunion wasn't enough. She now wants to ballroom dance for America. Most likely though, she'll fare better than Posh did in her American TV debut. We'll miss her old scary fro, but we know girl can dance. Can't wait! Please, dear Lord, please, let somebody choreograph a tango to "Spice Up the World."
Sabrina Bryan: Is from Disney's "Cheetah Girls." Historically, Disney alum have done well on this show (see Monique Coleman). We're already uncomfortable.
Helio Castroneves: Won the Indy 500 this year, so he probably already has enough fans. He's also got hand/eye coordination. But can he dance? My bet is yes. And I hope he does a number in his racing jacket, which is sponsored by Marlboro and Kodak, a marriage made in corporate heaven.
Mark Cuban: No shit, people. This man LOVES the camera. Apparently he loves it enough to dance in front of it. Like we weren't offended enough when he had a TV show about how he was going to pluck some poor soul from poverty and save them with a million dollars. Mark Cuban is THE MAN. No, just joking. He'll be first to go.
Jennie Garth: How happy am I that there's another 90210 alum on this season? I am PASSIONATE about 90210. Passionate. I will vote for Jennie Garth every weekend, even if she falls down in the middle of her routine. And I will do it because I remember when she was very, very dirty. And so should you.

Josie Maran: Cares about the planet. Yawn.

Cameron Mathison: Has been on just about every TV show ever. Why not add this one?

"Pretty Boy" Floyd Mayweather: Floyd is apparently the mandatory professional athlete, and they always do well. However, a professional boxer won't carry the public appeal of an NFL player or an ultra pretty speed skater. Floyd can probably cut a rug like crazy though because most boxers can from all the body coordination required in the ring. But I wouldn't expect him to pull a Emmit Smith.
Wayne Newton: That's "Mr. Vegas" to you. Oh, please, please, please, let Wayne Newton win this season. Has there ever been a man who so personifies the word "entertainer" and is so deserving of the title of Star Dancer? I pray and pray that he wins. They partnered him with two-time winner (and sweetheart of America) Cheryl Burke, so here's hoping.

Marie Osmond: She's a little bit country, but is she a little bit ballroom, too? If she wins, I will punish myself by buying one of the Marie Osmond collectible dolls that have made her millions. PLEASE let her make it to the week where she has to do disco though, because it would be cruel to make us miss that.

Albert Reed: Is an Abercrombie and Fitch model. Delicious.

Jane Seymour: Is your medicine woman. But also, picture her with her flowing hair down, waltzing across the floor. AND, middle America LOVES her from her Dr. Quinn days. You may be surprised how long she lasts.

I am tingling with anticipation.

Labels: Dancing With The Stars

posted by pregamejocelyn at 2:13 PM